If Adventurers Wanted to Help They Should Sacrifice Selves
I’m sick of these so-called “adventurers” just traipsing into town and thinking they can go about disrupting the arrangements we have. Every third day we sacrifice someone to that demon hound. It’s practically a ritual at this point, like the Ice Cream Social and the harvest dance. There are easily twenty of these adventurers, they could prolong the life of our village by TWO MONTHS if they would simply offer themselves up one at a time every three days. This town has a stalwart, handsome Jarl who is very fair minded and not at all a coward, the villagers should trust him and not these scroungy outlanders.
Look. I know there’s that demon hound that can easily climb the palisade wall and tear into anyone’s home under the dark of night. And I know winter is coming and there are few people left to tend the crops. But can someone PLEASE do something about the swamp jackals in the fens? I heard they killed some elf potmaker on Tuesday. HELLO! our last potmaker was taken by the hound in the spring and WE’RE RUNNING LOW ON CERAMIC GOODS. If the Jarl can’t control the mundane beasts in the haunted, evil fens that surround our village, I think we should start questioning his ability to handle the fell chaotic nightbeast that has taken over 100 of Hirot’s souls.
—Gwynyth Ivanova, 65
Village’s plight can be traced back to impostor king
When will you sheeple wake up! The writing is ON THE WALL in letters so big that even illiterate people can read it, but even so people are too comfortable with their daub-and-wattle homes and their sky burials and their cattle to really LOOK AT THE EVIDENCE. Three and thirty moons ago the half-elf IMPOSTOR was crowned Emperor of the Snows by the celestial boyars (against the will of the peasantry I might add!) and now look at where we’re at: the devaluation of the copper coin, a ravenous beast slaying villagers, and true patriots locked up in the village gaol for “being drunk and hollering in the daylight hours.” I hope you are all ready for the crackdown, when regular peasants are trod under the jackboots of adventurers, demihumans and illegal extraplanars.
I’m a long time COPS fan, and I think that the Metro City series has been fantastic. Love seeing the grouchy chief, think the antics of the perps are hilarious.
THAT SAID: The most recent episode, the one where the cops break up the hot dog vendors who were selling designer drugs to area rockabilly gangs, was a TOTAL STINKER.
I mean, really. Not only were the busts terrible (a cop getting knocked out in one punch by an auto mechanic?) but the police work was WAY out of line. I’ve been watching this show for years to prepare for a career in law enforcement and I don’t think you get to do things like sneak into a city councilman’s house or just blow people away with a shotgun.
Plus that one cop dressed up as a waterside prostitute eating a bunch of hot doges after arresting that dude? These guys make police officers look like idiots!
Also I find it hard to believe that COPS would willingly allow its crew members to participate in firefights, and show their crew members getting gunned down alongside cops by disgruntled foodservice union members. in an armed anarchist squat. IF I WANTED FANTASY I WOULD WATCH COPS: CITY OF BRAAVOS EDITION.
Seriously the only cool parts were when this one cop leapt to his feet and knocked down his guards then started shooting at this special forces guy. That guy took like a million bullets and still kept shooting.
ATTENTION COPS: IF METRO CITY KEEPS PUTTIGN OUT EPS LIKE THIS YOU’RE GOING TO LOOSE A VALUABLE CUSTOMER.
*Hill Kingdoms and Suzereinities of ezmetekh*
Nikki Minaj the level 0 guild beggar, of Baikul, perished on Tuesday. Her skeleton was pulled out of her body by a weird faceless insect-man that made piping noises from coral-like back tumors. She left behind a begging bowl and two parents, both penniless rice farmers. Flowers may be sent to the ruined wat in the jungle, but her friends ask that you please do NOT disturb the circle of bone ash surrounding the complex.
Lord Beavis the level 0 grave digger, also of Baikul, left the living on Tuesday, victim to an ambush from a boneless leech-rat hiding in a wizard’s ruined bed. Then he came back to the living. He died again shortly thereafter, from a spearthrust by a magically animated tin soldier. Lord Beavis, a popular figure in Baikul, was known for his antics, like “digging graves” and “eating food”. In entirely related news, a gravedigger position is now available in Baikul. Must provide own shovel.
Melvin, Baikul’s level 0 tax collector, matched swords with a swinging blade trap in the ruined wat. He was a tax collector so he won’t really be missed, but we felt it important to list his death notice here. He leaves behind him a slightly nicer hovel, a long sword, and a blood-soaked suit of fancy clothes.
Carlito Pollito, the level 0 halfling chicken butcher that the children of Baikul so dearly loved for his antics, his personality and his fondness for throwing chicken feet at the town headsman, passed away on Tuesday. He has been preserved and is lying in state in the NE corner of the ruined wat, drained entirely of blood. Visitors wishing to pay their last respects are advised to remain wary of boneless leech-rats, to run if they hear any strange piping noises, and to PLEASE not disturb the sacred circle of bone ash surrounding the complex.
We met as part of a torch and pitchfork mob on our way to kill the ghost of that witch Yulina because she caused our crops to fail and also killed the town’s only priestess.
I was the Dwarven woodcutter who had the hand-axe that helped run down and kill that ensorcelled woodsman who shot at us with arrows. You were the finely dressed merchant who managed to finagle a knife off of one of those uptight acolytes.
I didn’t realize that love was growing between us until we were in that witch’s cabin. I don’t know if it was the fact that the cabin had chicken legs, or if it was because we had to fight a sentient ivy plant to get in the house, but there was definitely magic in the air. Like, regular magic and also soulmate magic.
Anyway mere seconds after I fell completely in love with you someone discovered a trapdoor that led down some rough-hewn stairs and you sprinted off to right some wrongs, like a true hero—and you looked hunky as h*ll doing so!
By the time I got down the passageway and navigated around the peasants being grappled by the magically animated floor, you were magically blinded and partially crushed by a sleeping pony. Also there was a 7 foot tall woman-faced goat demon, but I only had eyes for you. So I guess it was lucky that some turnip farmer killed it with a pitchfork.
I can’t sleep because I am so incredibly in love with you, which means I am incurring penalties to my health regeneration and ability scores. PLEASE LET ME KNOW IF YOU FEEL THE SAME WAY.
No internet jokes pulling my heartstrings either—I’ll know its you if you tell me the color of the mysterious potion I drank right before I fell head over heels for your buff bod.
It’s NOT ok to contact this character with services or other commercial offers.
For local high-school Junior Todd Smathers, an uneventful Tuesday turned into an unexpected field trip before becoming the scene of a horrible tragedy involving the slaying of a police officer.
"I was in second period" said Smathers. "That’s drivers ed. [The teacher] thinks I’m the worst driver in the class, so I was sitting in back and trying not to get called on." That’s when three undercover officers kicked in the door.
"It was crazy! These three old dudes were dressed like what they thought high-schoolers looked like. One was wearing a fedora and a football jersey. One guy reeked of weed and looked like a juggalo, and the other one" Todd pauses "Ace was dressed up like a goth from the early nineties."
Apparently the officers weren’t there for a demonstration about the dangers of drunk or reckless driving, they were there to investigate a crime. ”The juggalo asked who the ‘shittiest kid in class’ was, and the teacher said I was the worst driver. Then Ace told the teacher that it was a mighty coincidence that I was the worst driver because he was my dad.” Smathers continued. “Even though he wasn’t really my dad.”
Under the appearance of giving Todd driving lessons, they had him drive to a crime scene, where someone allegedly cut through a traffic signal, causing it to crash onto a car. When they arrived, the standoff turned into a shootout.
"When the red-headed football cop got out of the car this old lady in a trucking company sweatshirt started yelling about how nobody would take her alive and pulled out a revolver! The cop also drew a gun and there were bullets everywhere! The officer, whose name has not been released, died during the firefight, and the assailant, one Gladys Hutchinson, 73, of South Heights is currently in critical condition.
The ride-along didn’t stop there, however. ”We got a call on the dispatch that the other officers on this case had identified a warehouse related to the crime. The officers let me use the lights to speed across town to the police station to pick up equipment. Ace even got a shotgun and a horse for the raid!”
The police officers didn’t stop at teaching Todd how to drive their squad car. ”The officers explained that they had to hide in the back of a semi truck to sneak into the depot, and that the only other person who was available to drive was far too messed up on pills to operate a bicycle, let alone an 18 wheeler. So they gave me some instructions and the drugged-out cop sat up front and brandished his service pistol to keep cars from getting to close to us. I really learned a lot!”
Educational opportunities aside, the raid claimed another of Metro City’s finest. ”When I backed up the semi to the loading dock they opened the door and [Officer] Ace [Ventura] led the charge on his horse while the other cops laid down suppressing fire. It was totally rad like something out of a video game! But most of the bad guys were on these catwalks, so Ace had to ride up the stairs on his police stallion.”
Officer Ventura, armed with a shotgun and a riotshield, managed to make it to the top of the catwalk before being fatally shot by an unknown assailant. ”It was really sad, since he was only three days away from retirement and had practically become a father figure in the hours that he made me drive him around town.” said Smathers, choking back a sob. ”I really miss my dead goth dad.”
When on a recent walkabout searching for a homeopathic remedy for a local girl, Baikul peasants showed off their regional style after settling into a tranquil jungle landscape to make artisan dishes such as “rice and dried root vegetables cooked in a helmet” and “one quarter of this goat.”
Since we’re staying near the breach in the bone-ash circle that warded off the evil wat, we thought a privacy fence would help maintain property values” said Courageous Boner, the Level 0 gravedigger. ”Since I had a shovel, I dug us a very large trench.”
The privacy fence wasn’t all shop and no show though—Lil Sister the level 0 woodcutter and Fart Noise the level 0 halfling worked in tandem to arrange bamboo spikes, gracefully cut at varying lengths and exquisitely trimmed to a razor’s edge, within the pit.
"This really is a fantastic multi-functional landscaping tool" said Lil Sister, her incredibly large biceps flexing. "The pit obviously sets up a visual separation between us and the jungle, but it also provides a fantastic place for guests to reconnect with nature by relieving themselves."
"Plus we can then use the stakes as 1d3 spears with a chance to poison!" shouted Fart Noise.
TO LEARN HOW TO MAKE YOUR OWN PUNJI PRIVACY FENCE, TURN TO PHOTO SPREAD ON PAGE 69